me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
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Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.