3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
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ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
That’s enough internet for the day
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.