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OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies