Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
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A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.