Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
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It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
The prophecy is fulfilled