The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
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When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
My background check bounced.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…