Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
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[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.