Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
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8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.