*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
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Risking my life for fun.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.