hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
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Got him!
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
October already? What’s next? November????
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Perfection.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now