I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*