I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
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Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what