*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
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People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not