*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
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exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*