[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
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ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.