just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
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I’m literally crying
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.