If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
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My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Customize Your Wedding.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there