My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
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I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*