Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
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I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.