Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
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Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*