Unexpected Judgment
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Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it