Your mother has terrible taste in children.
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I forgot how to panic. Help
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok