What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
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dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear