My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
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Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.