If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
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Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.