7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
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Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.