[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
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i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Yup!
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.