Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
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says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”