They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
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Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
grotesque if literal: baby food
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.