Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
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6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
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Me: Same
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?