I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
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I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here