Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
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I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Food gives you energy to nap more.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”