“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
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I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened