When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
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Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Can’t. Being lazy.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I unironically love this joke.