When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Cndnsd Mlk
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”