walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
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Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay