The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
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Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West