My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
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Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?