Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
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I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.