I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
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[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales