Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
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Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm