My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
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Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Blew my mind.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP