ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
You Might Also Like
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
just pretend nothing happened
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.