So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
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Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
WHY would you be happy about this?
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.