me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
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Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Hello Twits.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*