April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
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Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK