It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
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My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
this FaceApp is creepy af
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys