Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
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Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
marvel comics have peaked
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places