Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
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daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
where do you see yourself in five years?
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.