this is why you should always wash behind your ears
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[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
*pokes sex life with a stick
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]